Hey, this webcam has voice effects!
All this time…who knew?
Thank You, Telly
In the last post, I wrote about how my resolution for 2010 is to focus on improving myself and my family emotionally/mentally. In that spirit, here’s a video weeks in the making. It is dedicated to my wife, Shawntel, a.k.a “Telly”:
I love you, bebe!
Thank you to everyone who participated. Can you believe Lexi kept the secret? I filled her in about 2 weeks ago.
I also want to give a special thanks to my wife for INSPIRING me. You make me want to create.
I’m smiling, are you?
Resolve
The holiday break is over. Well, not for me. I’m still relaxing at home. But it’s over for my wife and daughter. On Monday, Lexi reluctantly woke up early and went back to school. That evening, she finished her first pages of homework for the week, also reluctantly. My wife, Shawntel, resumed her night classes (medical assisting) this week as well.
It was a nice break for us, though. Christmas eve was spent here (bro-in-law’s place). It went surprisingly well. No stress. No nausea. No back pain. At the end of the night, we were left with a fridge full of leftovers. Good times.
On December 27, we went down to the Bay Area to visit my dad-in-law’s family for a post-Christmas party. It also went well.
For New Year’s Eve, we headed to Elk Grove to visit my parents. I got to see my brothers, sisters, nephews and niece. There’s lots of next-generation rugrats now. It felt pretty cool to see my kid interacting with her cousins. Seeing the little ones was a definite highlight.
In health news: Pneumonia’s all gone. Nausea in check (with meds). Still super-thin, but working to gain weight.
In other news: Something’s happening. I can feel it. I think I’m growing up.
I am a dad and a husband. I can’t forget that. In my misery, however, I did forget it. Illness was all-consuming. My pain turned to anger. Then I became bitter; A jerk. I take full responsibility now for neglecting or lashing out at my wife.
It was just a few days before Christmas that it dawned on me:
Illness is no excuse for disrespect.
I had allowed myself to become apathetic. It didn’t happen overnight, either. In retrospect, it was a systematic transformation over the course of the last few years. My happiness chipped away against the (seeming) unending strain of life. I lost myself. Because it happened gradually, I didn’t realize who I had become.
For whatever reason, I finally took the time to just open my eyes and actually see myself. My heart was gone. I must have hung it up a long time ago, afraid of any further pain. In doing so, my family ended up getting hurt in their own way. I was a zombie. I wasn’t me.
You might think I would’ve fallen deeper into depression once I figured myself out, but the opposite happened. A fire came on inside me. I wasn’t going to continue letting my illness infect the relationships in my household. I’m Lexi’s dad and Shawntel’s husband. Enough was enough. Cancer was not going to pollute my love. Not one more second. In that moment, I imagined myself smearing war paint across my face. “You want a piece of me, cancer? Come get it, motherfucker.” I was back.
I AM back. I have a new focus for 2010. My resolution is to continue improving emotionally/mentally and to strengthen the bonds between mom, dad, daughter…and even dog. Physical health? I’ll deal with that as it happens.
‘Tis the season to be grateful
I wanted to get this message out before tonight. Thank you to all the well-wishers and online supporters. A special thanks to the following people:
Mama and Dadda
Pam and Jeff
Gary Sr.
Maytrella, Luis, and family
Jessica
Thania, Kenny, and the kids
My bro, Alan
and my newest bro Gary, his wife Kristen, and little Geegs
Paul and Tommie Jean
Marie L.
Luis R. (for not giving up on me)
Uncle Wayne
Cora Lupea
Let’s give ‘em a round of applause, ladies and gents! They have each helped ease our stress during this most stressful of times. But it worked. I feel the love and support and it’s wonderful.
Your care and support fuels me and gives me strength. What a gift.
From our family to yours:
May you all have a joyful Me-mas (get it? My name’s Chris?) and new year!
My favorite, most impossible fantasy
There have been two main recurring dreams in my life. I’ve written about my darkest recurring dream. But there’s also been a parallel fantasy, one created out of pure want and joy. This one was also born in a hospital, soon after I realized I couldn’t move my legs after the first surgery (again, I was 7). It’s a dream I absolutely adore. I’ve had it more than a few times throughout my life. It goes something like this:
I’m standing in the middle of a vast, green field. Bright and green grass in every direction, as far as I can see. Up above, a deep blue sky and bright white clouds. In the horizon, there is a giant golden sun. I’m able to look at it without squinting.
I am barefoot. I look down and see wet blades of grass between my toes. I smile, plant my feet, and run. I feel my feet kicking dew drops off the grass. I run faster. My legs are strong and nimble. I run faster still, into the horizon. I feel and hear the wind whipping through my hair and rustling against my clothes.
I close my eyes, and continue to sprint. My lungs take in deep, huge breaths of pure, oxygen-rich air. I feel the blood pumping through my veins, propelling my muscles. GO, I think to myself. GO, GO, GO! The sound of the wind increases. WHOOSH!
Then, on my next step, I bend both knees low and push off the ground. I am airborne, and then time slows to a crawl. My jump becomes a long, slow arc. When I land again, it’s back to full speed running. Then I jump again, even higher and farther this time. And again, my air time lasts a long time. I am Super Mario, reborn.
In the distance ahead, I see an ocean. I rush toward it. It is a calm sea, reflecting the sky above and the golden sun. As I get closer and closer, I realize the field I’m running on ends with a sheer cliff. But I have no worry or fear. I am ecstatic in this body. I keep rushing forward and moon-jump my way to the sea.
I approach the cliff with no slowdown, and with one last jump, I push off the edge and soar into the sky. My arms open wide. I blaze into the sun. I am Superman. WHOOSH!
And then… I wake up.
Always with a smile after that dream…
(On a related note: if you’re in a wheelchair or otherwise limited body, and you can get yourself to a 3D theater screen, go see Avatar. The first ten minutes or so demonstrates another interpretation of the same dream I just wrote about, and it’s thrilling. A wonderful escape.)
